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Thursday
Mar312016

3 Lessons in Love

There is almost nothing worse that an unhappy relationship. When things are not going well with our loved one - it drains the life out of pretty much all the areas of our lives. It’s constantly on our minds, saps up energy and is a huge source of stress.

Whether you had had a few relationships or you are in a long term happy relationship, turbulence can occur and it’s ugly when it does. Nothing in our lives feels right. Everything feels disjointed, broken, painful. Do I need to go continue. At some point or another we have all experienced this, am I right?

Let’s face it, we learn as we go along and we don’t always learn the first time around, we are good at repeating some mistakes are we not? Some things to keep in mind are:

 

1) Find and Give Comfort

A relationship must be about a place where you can feel comfort, security and safety. It’s important to know you can depend on the person you are with and that you, in turn, want to offer that to them. 

As kids we looked to our parents for a sense of safety and love. As we get older and more mature we do not lose that need for intense closeness.  We still need that comfort and nurturing. It is not limited to children. 

Why do we need it? Because in our sheltered place with our partner we unwind, we relax deeply - physically, mentally and spiritually. We are happier and healthier with that loving human contact. The emotional support, lowers our blood pressure, enhances our immune system and reduces our anxiety levels. The health benefits are huge. 

 

2) The past does not equal the future

How many times do we bring up the past (in our heads) and overlay it on our current relationship? A bad past relationship can leave it stamp mark on all present and future relationships. 

I hear a lot of clients who bring past relationships into current ones and completely sabotage something that was really doing well. They had been deceived or hurt in the past and now that’s going to happen in every future relationship so they go looking for it and setting up for it, expecting it. 

Pain happens. Pain comes and it goes. It always goes when we leave the door open for it to exit. It’s when we shut the door tight and keep the pain that we sabotage our current relationships. The past does not equal the future nor the present. No two people are the same and I have no right to think they are.

 

3) Balance is so important. 

There are three components to a relationship. The other person (you), yourself (me) and the two of you together (us). All three need to be balanced. There are times it will swing from one end of the picture to the other, but on the whole there needs to be equilibrium. The ME is as important as the YOU and time and space to be together needs to happen for there to be secure relationship.

The US allows you both to renew connections. It’s far to easy and foolish to fall into the trap that once your in a steady relationship or marriage that you stop putting into this part. You can’t get complacent and not tend to your relationship, it’s a very special garden - weeds need to be picked out.

The US part is some thing you do together to keep emotional balance.  You can’t fix it from the outside (in YOU or ME) it takes both of you. It’s like dancing, you both need to move together. Communication is not just words - it is actions too. A relationship ebbs and flows, moves from harmony to disharmony. The disharmony is not a sign of lack of love - its normal. You can get it back on track together.

 

I find these four questions help me assess if things are going well in my relationship:

 

Will he put me first?

Am I putting him first?

Am I there for him when he needs me?

Will he be there for me when I need him?

 

If I get four “YES’s” then I know things are going great!

 

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